If any of you have been reading this blog for any length of time you know that I went through a period where I was deeply hurt by some friends in my life at that time. The residual effects are crazy, but God is good and He's preparing me for something greater. As I was laying in bed last night praying I couldn't get the situation off of my mind. This is not something new. I often think about it. I think I just want to be heard. I want them to know that I still think about them and that it kills me that they aren't part of my life anymore, even though I know I am probably better off. So, as I was writing this letter in my head I decided to put it out there. Part of the healing process you know, taking it from your heart to paper (or type in this case). I have sat down to write this countless times, so if it doesn't make sense or doesn't flow that's okay because it just free flowing from my heart.
As I watch from afar and see our lives continually drift further and further apart I can't help but wonder... was it something I said, was I the cause of this divide? I'm sure I had a part to play; it takes two. I hope you know that I'm sorry for the role I played in this whole thing.
This whole situation is just unbelievable. Two years ago I would have told you that you're crazy if you said that we wouldn't be speaking today. Two years ago I thought we would be there for each other for our weddings, babies, and being called twins in our old age just as we were in our teenage years. Our husbands would still be best friends just as we were, our babies would become best friends, and life would never change. Unfortunately, that picture is shattered, broken on the floor. I stare down at the pieces and think, what happened? I know what happened on the surface, but I still find myself baffled, not understanding why.
I wish you could sit in my shoes and see what I've been through. Maybe then you would understand. There have been moments where I really should have sought out counseling, but I was too prideful and stuck. Yes, ironic, a counselor embarrassed to go to counseling. There were plenty of moments where I questioned myself and threw up my guard to avoid the pain and to protect myself from getting hurt. I was afraid to open myself back up because the one friend I never thought would abandon me did. I've struggled with bitterness, unforgiveness, jealousy, resentment, anger, and all the nasty little feelings in between.
Despite all of that, I find myself still missing you. Even though my life is completely different than it was, I still wonder if we will ever run into each other or if you will ever reach out to mend things. I wonder how it would be if we just said we're sorry. I wonder...
But most of all, I want you to know that I forgive you. I've finally been able to free myself from that piece of the bitterness puzzle. Am I healed? No. Am I on my way? Yes. The Lord really does reveal Himself through our pain and trials. I'm trusting that this is just a piece of my journey and I truly believe it is shaping me into the person I am meant to me. I'm grateful for the time we were best friends and will never forget the memories we made together. They made my life more beautiful. Who knows what people will walk in and out of my life over the years to come, but I'm trusting that Lord has a plan even if it means breaking me down and building me into something new. For it is not my plan, but His. So, that's my heart and the words that have been bottled up for a while, too long. I'm putting myself out there and trusting in Him. For He is the almighty healer, the only counselor I need, and a friend that sticks closer than a brother. He knows what He's doing and I believe that whether or not we ever come together again it is meant to be.